Dreamlife: Welcome to "Change Your Life With Three Minute Therapy" live with Dr. Michael Edelstein. Please welcome Dr. Michael Edelstein.

Dr. Edelstein: Three Minute Therapy is an approach to diagnosing psychological problems and overcoming them. It's based on the simple but powerful notion that our emotions and behaviors are generated by our thinking. If you suffer from anxiety, depression, procrastination or addictions, this indicates your thinking is unrealistic. When you change your thinking, your emotions and behaviors change. Once you master the process, you become your own therapist, which will benefit you for the rest of your life.

gingersnap: What is your Three Minute Therapy?

Dr. Edelstein: Three Minute Therapy consists of basic concepts about how people get themselves emotionally and behaviorally disturbed, and techniques, strategies and tools that they can use to overcome this.

rwoods: Can your Three Minute Therapy alleviate chronic low self-esteem?

Dr. Edelstein: Yes, it can. In fact, I have an entire chapter on it in my book Three Minute Therapy: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life. In addition, one of the lessons in the Dreamlife course is on self-esteem.

lollipop: Can Three Minute Therapy help with insomnia?

Dr. Edelstein: With most cases of insomnia, a major factor is psychological. It consists of worrying about not sleeping. Consequently, the Three Minute Therapy approach can help you overcome your worrying and sleep better.

george: Does your treatment take the place of psychotherapy?

Dr. Edelstein: In many cases, people can learn from Three Minute Therapy approach a powerful tool that teaches them to be their own therapist. The key is to practice the three-minute exercises on a regular basis. If you take the Dreamlife course and have questions about the specific application, we at Dreamlife will be happy to answer your questions.

marylob: Do you believe it is helpful to talk with a professional counselor as well as work with the Three Minute Therapy?

Dr. Edelstein: The more help you get in general, the more efficient, so talking with someone who could further advise you probably would be beneficial.

cyndiann: It's hard to believe that anything can provide relief to long-term patterns of negative thinking in just a few minutes. What makes Three Minute Therapy work?

Dr. Edelstein: That's a good question. The answer lies in the practice of the three-minute technique. As you implied, doing it once for three minutes normally will not do much good. However, if you make it a discipline and practice daily for three minutes a few times a day, then this will make all the difference. Think of learning a foreign language. If you study once or twice, you won't get very far, but if you study every day, at the end of six months or a year you'll be able to travel to the country where the language is spoken and get by with the natives reasonably well. All this from just a little practice every day.

gennyc: Is it really just a three minute exercise? Will your Dreamlife course provide all the techniques?

Dr. Edelstein: Yes, the Dreamlife course provides the concepts and the three-minute exercise that you can learn. This will dramatically change your self-defeating emotions and self-destructive behaviors.

smartypants: Why is it important to write down your Three Minute Therapy exercise? Will it work if you just go over it in your mind?

Dr. Edelstein: That's an important question, and the answer is for most people most of the time writing it down is an important adjunct to just thinking it through. There may be a number of reasons for this. When you write it out and see things in black and white, it's clearer what's going on. It also helps you focus more specifically on the process. Many of my clients also report that just the motor process of writing seems to etch the ideas into their brain. However, you can experiment with each method. For a few weeks just do it in your head. Then for a few weeks, write out the exercise a few times a day. This may clearly demonstrate which approach is best for you.

johnny: In Tony Robbins courses, he says that in order to achieve anything in life, you have to make it a "must". In your course, you say that it's our "musts" that get us into trouble. I'm confused. Can you clarify?

Dr. Edelstein: Good question. When I use the term "must" in Three Minute Therapy I have a particular meaning. This is defined clearly in the course. When I say I must do well at the exam, for example, and I feel anxious as a consequence, the anxiety means that there are absolutistic magical conclusions from the "must," such as if I don't do well, I magically turn into a total failure as a person. Or it would be the end of the world if I don't do well. Or I am a rotten person for doing poorly and deserve to be punished. So I'm referring to the word "must" in this pathological sense. Tony Robbins probably means by "must" that on a scale of 0-100 in importance, it's very important-perhaps 98% important to accomplish something, but not that you turn into a worthless failure or life is horrible if you fail.

lola: Tony Robbins encourages us to use the "must" as a way to make positive change. That it gives more commitment and conviction to the process. How would you respond to that?

Dr. Edelstein: Again, it's important to be clear how you are defining the word "must." If you are clear in the way I described to the previous question, and you find it a motivator to say "I must study for the exam today," and you mean it's very, very important, not that you're worthless if you don't, then by all means use what works for you.

mom4ever: My 32-year-old son is having a problem holding down a job. I don't want to turn him out in the cold, but at this point my husband and I feel he should be supporting himself.

Dr. Edelstein: First apply the problem separation technique. This means separating your emotional problem from your practical problem. Let's suppose you are angry at your son for failing at jobs. This would be an emotional problem. This can be addressed using the Three Minute exercise. Once you minimize your anger, then you can more effectively and supportively address the practical problem, which is the best way to deal with your son. So addressing emotional problems such as anger or anxiety require emotional problem-solving strategies, whereas practical problems such as how to motivate someone to act better involve practical problem-solving strategies. In the Dreamlife course, I focus mainly on dealing with the emotional problem. However, in my book I also discuss a variety of practical problem-solving strategies in addition.

surapaneni: Sometimes my brain works like I am a genius but some times it will work like I am a dumb person. Do you know why I am like that, is it like that with every person?

Dr. Edelstein: People tend to have wide variation in their functioning. So it's not that unusual that you would, too. However, if you make yourself anxious, depressed, insecure or disturbed in other ways, this could interfere with your high functioning and could be a factor here. Again, the Three Minute exercise would help you eliminate the blocks to good functioning and operate on a higher level more of the time. A key to this would be to learn to fully and unconditionally accept yourself as a fallible human being when you do poorly and refuse to put yourself down no matter how dumb your ideas and actions seem.

Guest13475: Why do your emotions stand in the way of having a good, happy life?

Dr. Edelstein: The reason your emotions stand in the way is because emotions such as anxiety, depression and anger tend to cloud clear thinking. Clear thinking is a key to enjoying life. Also, upset emotions come from demands, musts, and shoulds, and these tend to be over generalized and magical notions. This clouds your view of reality and leads to problems in life.

loubrady: How do I dramatically reduce my tendency to procrastinate?

Dr. Edelstein: Procrastination normally comes from demands you put on yourself or situations. Such as: I must do it perfectly, I must do it all at one time, or it must be easy and hassle-free to complete my task. Use the Three Minute exercise to show yourself that if you do it imperfectly, it just proves that you're an imperfect human who acts imperfectly, not a failure as a person. Also convince yourself that it often may be difficult and uncomfortable to start a task, but you'll probably survive if you push yourself. On the other hand, if you procrastinate, then you are likely to have more discomfort and more displeasure in the long run. Also, if you use the Three Minute procrastination buster, which has you set a goal of just doing three minutes on the task and then re-evaluating whether you want to continue, this will help you overcome natural inertia, which is a significant factor in procrastination.

gccity: Whenever I am frustrated it seems that I always go back to anger to deal with any problems and the difficulty is that I know this isn't right but I can't seem to break out it.

Dr. Edelstein: It's understandable that on your own you would not know how to break out of anger. The first step lies in recognizing that anger at its root is a philosophy. It is a way of viewing situations. It implies that you run the universe and that frustration must not be in your life. The key lies in practicing the Three Minute exercises to change your entire view, to learn to deeply feel and believe that you do not control external events, that life consists of one frustration after another. It always has and it always will, and no reason exists why it must not. Once you unconditionally accept the reality of frustration in your life, you'll deal with it constructively rather than eat yourself up inside about it.

squirl1000: Would you be able to explain your course a little more?

Dr. Edelstein: Yes, the course starts by laying out some of the basic concepts involved in the Three Minute Therapy approach. It defines certain key terms, such as Preferences, Demands, Self-Defeating Behaviors, and gives you ways to diagnose these in yourself. Then it gives illustrations of the Three Minute technique applied to specific problems and walks you through the approach step by step in a clear and simple way. It then encourages you to practice the Three Minute exercise on your own and make it a lifelong discipline.

Guest13475: What is it about the Three Minute Therapy technique that changes a person?

Dr. Edelstein: That's a key question and the answer involves the basic principle of learning. Repetition is the royal road to learning. When we repeat and reinforce an idea or a behavior, we tend to build pathways in our brain that makes it more a part of us. The practice of the Three Minute exercise serves this function. If you want to play some melodies on a guitar, you practice the guitar. If you want to speak French, you practice French. The Three Minute approach is based on the same learning principle.

sabellavia: What kind and what frequency of reinforcement does it take for lasting change? And how difficult is it to change one's thinking?

Dr. Edelstein: Changing your thinking is not very difficult if you are willing to put in the practice. Normally, as you work at this on a regular basis, you get self-reinforcement as you diminish your problem. In some cases, it might help further to set up specific goals and external reinforcements. One goal could consist of writing a Three Minute exercise before you leave the house in the morning, writing another one as soon as you arrive home in the evening, and also writing one whenever you're in the midst of grappling with an emotional or behavioral problem. An external reinforcement could be rewarding yourself with something you enjoy, such as a cup of coffee after writing an exercise, or penalizing yourself with an aversive act such as sending money to your least favorite charity any day you do not meet the goal of doing the exercises.

downwiththeho: Three minutes seems like a very short time. Should I be devoting more time to your technique if I lead a very stressful life? Also, do you think it would help to do this with a spouse? My wife and I fight a lot (more than three minutes daily). Could your technique help?

Dr. Edelstein: Yes, when I work with couples, the effects are more immediate when both practice the Three Minute exercises and understand the concepts involved. So I heartily encourage you to have your spouse take the course along with you. As to your first question, 3 minutes a day is normally a minimum. The more time you spend reinforcing realistic thinking, the more effective it will tend to be. Again, with the language comparison, practicing a little every day would be useful but it's recognized that language immersion is most effective. The more you immerse yourself in reinforcing your preferences and exercising your musts, the more effective it tends to be.

Guest13475: Why would someone use Three Minute Therapy instead of a traditional method of psychotherapy?

Dr. Edelstein: Traditional psychotherapy is based on the Freudian model. This assumes that your psychological problems as an adult has its roots in your childhood. It considers a dysfunctional childhood and poor parenting as the key to your current problems. In my view, that's barking up the wrong tree. Our emotions and our behaviors are generated by our current thinking, by what we tell ourselves in the moment. Consequently, no matter how you were raised-how wonderful or nutty your parents were-the crucial aspect in changing your present reactions lies in changing how you talk to yourself at that moment.

KARTHIK: Does your Three Minute Therapy work for all ages?

Dr. Edelstein: The Three Minute Therapy works best for intelligent adults, since it involves a somewhat abstract process of thinking about your thinking. However, parents use it effectively with their children by modeling rational statements when their children get upset or find themselves in difficult situations. For example, if your child spills the milk, rational training would involve the parents saying, That's too bad that you spilled the milk but just proves you are imperfect, not a worthless child.

sandflee1959: How does medication factor in to this? Or even does medication factor into this thinking?

Dr. Edelstein: Medication usually works by acting on neurochemicals in the brain, which as a consequence dampen an individual's unrealistic thinking. Consequently, people on medication stop talking to themselves in irrational ways and consequently feel better. This of course is when the medication works as hoped. One problem here involves stopping the medication. Often, the individual then goes back to their old unrealistic thinking. The Three Minute exercise helps people get off medication and gives them a way to change their thinking once and for all. Also, you never know in advance whether a particular medication will work for you or what the side effects may be. Moreover, there is the risk of getting dependent on the medication. There is the cost and there is the feeling of not being in control of your life, the master of your fate. I sometimes work with people who use medication to help them immediately minimize their depression, so that they are in better shape to learn the Three Minute Therapy techniques, and once they do, can taper off the medication.

kkiefer: Do you have any guidelines for when one might be over-analyzing and thinking too much? When is it best to put things aside and "get on with things" without ignoring the issue?

Dr. Edelstein: That's an excellent question. Because with any good thing, you can even overdo Three Minute Therapy, believe it or not. The main guideline lies in clearly stating your goals. When your self-analysis is interfering with your long-term goals, then we can call it analysis-paralysis, and look for a better solution. Another guideline involves writing the Three Minute exercises as a goal. If you're regularly writing the exercises and using them to vigorously confront, challenge and contradict your irrational beliefs, then additional analysis is usually involving diminishing returns.

Guest13475: Wouldn't talking to yourself accomplish the same thing as writing it down?

Dr. Edelstein: I addressed this earlier, and the basic idea here is that for most people most of the time, writing it down is more effective, but we are all unique individuals. Consequently, experiment for yourself. If you are not happy with the results of just thinking it through, then write it down. If you are still not happy with the results, then increase the frequency of writing out the exercises.

Dora: Can you give us an example of what and how to write?

Dr. Edelstein: Basically, the Three Minute exercise helps you first identify your "must." There are three basic "musts" that lead to virtually all psychological problems. Must number one consists of "I must do well and get approval, or else I'm no good." Must number two is a demand on others and involves "You must treat me well or else you're no good." Must number three is a demand on impersonal conditions and dictates, "Life must go well or else it's awful." So in the Three Minute exercise, we first diagnose the problem, then we go on to dispute the "must," and give you more realistic ways to look at your adverse situation. We then recommend you practice writing out this exercise regularly to reinforce the more realistic view and etch that into your brain.

brantley: Do you have any books or videos that you would recommend?

Dr. Edelstein: Yes. My book Three Minute Therapy: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life, and just about any book by Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy.

squirl_1000: I am in therapy at the moment and we are using the EMDR to overcome some feelings. What are your thoughts on this?

Dr. Edelstein: EMDR is a noncognitive way of approaching problems involving eye movement. It is often accompanied by techniques similar to the ones I recommend. I suspect that the helpfulness of the technique can be shown by the cognitive aspects alone. However, as with anything else, if it makes sense to you, consider trying it and see what the results are.

Guest13475: How do you distinguish between appropriate emotions and inappropriate emotions?

Dr. Edelstein: Appropriate emotions are emotions that help you achieve your goals, whereas inappropriate emotions interfere with and block your goals. For example, depression tends to lead to poor results, whereas great displeasure and disappointment make it more likely you will try to change things when possible, and philosophically accept the situation when not possible. I found all your questions very stimulating. If your question was unanswered, feel free to e-mail it to Dreamlife.com. If you haven't taken the course, I think you will find it a very rewarding experience. You will learn tools to enable you to overcome emotional and behavioral problems, without spending years on a psychoanalyst's couch, and thousands of dollars.

Dreamlife: Thank you to everyone who participated today!