PRIVATE PRACTICE: BOOK: ARTICLES: EVENTS: SMART RECOVERY: MAILING LIST: LINKS: |
To email questions to Dr. Edelstein: Questions@ThreeMinuteTherapy.com DEAR DR. MIKE: I am very concerned about health and, as a result, have become overly worried when it is time for yearly physicals, preventative screenings and while waiting for the results as I do not want to receive anything less than a "good bill of health." Even minor ailments/conditions cause me concern as I think of worst case scenarios. How would I apply Three Minute Therapy to decrease this unreasonable and counter-productive worrying? DEAR CONSTANT WORRIER: Individuals who worry about their health are often seeking iron-clad guarantees they are in perfect health. Here's how you would apply a Three Minute Exercise to decrease your non-productive worrying:
Write out the exercises at least once daily for the next thirty days. In addition, whenever you notice you're making yourself anxious, first identify your demand and then question, challenge, and contradict it. Keep in mind absolute "musts," "have tos," and "shoulds" do not exist in reality. There are only our human, subjective preferences, goals, and values. DEAR DR. MIKE: I am 55 and female, and feel very guilty about hating my 85-year-old mother. But seriously, I cannot stand to be around her since my father passed away three years ago. Whatever I am harboring against her seems much older than that, but how useful is it to wade around in the past? She depends on me in the worst way: when she has a need, I jump through hoops to respond in the best ways and ensure she is content – that’s when she strikes, letting me know that I can never do enough for her; there is so much more that she must have from me. It’s more than I can take, and I am ready to say, ‘no more,’ and just avoid seeing her but she is 85 for heaven’s sakes. To make it worse, my brother (who lives literally five minutes from her) and his wife rarely attend to things that she needs, so I feel dumped on all the time. I would really appreciate your advice. I am ready to move to another planet or at least somewhere far away from her. DEAR BEST EFFORT: I understand your difficult situation with your mother. You have practical problems and emotional problems. The practical problems involve deciding how often to see your mother, and learning more effective communication strategies. Your emotional problems consists of guilt, feeling dumped on, lack of assertiveness, and probably more. Read my book, then write out Three Minute Exercises at least three times daily for a month. Once these help alleviate your emotional disturbance you will be in much better shape to address the practical problems. Experiment with different communication messages, give your mother much positive feedback (compliments, compassion, reassurance), and decide how frequently you wish to visit your mother and stick to it. Needless to say, "wading around in the past" is unlikely to help and may make things worse. DEAR DR. MIKE: I've made the decision to be very straight with the people I date that I want to get married again somewhere down the line. This seems to make the men I'm seeing very uncomfortable and some of the ones in whom I have the greatest interest, leave abruptly. Should I keep my mouth shut about it until I spend more time with them, or are all these beautiful men that vapid? DEAR VERY STRAIGHT: Since 99% of the women in your situation also “want to get married again somewhere down the line,” this will not be news to the man, so there's no need to make an announcement very early in the relationship. Doing so may make you seem desperate, and this is usually perceived as a turn-off. Your man is not necessarily “vapid” because he wishes to avoid a desperate woman. However, your resolve to be straight is admirable, so if queried do tell (most of) the truth. The real dilemma, however, is not when to tell him that you want to get married but rather, when to ask him if he does. The most appropriate time strikes a balance between not too early and not too late in the relationship. Of course there is no perfect time to ask, although on the fifth date over dinner, just before dessert may work. Then if he leaves abruptly, this is actually good since you get to eat two desserts. If, on the other hand, he says that he shares your marriage goal, steadily push for greater commitment. This would determine whether he actually means what he says, and would move things right along to the wedding day. It would also afford the opportunity to address before marriage, problems that may come with greater intimacy and commitment. Marriage will bring many of its own challenges, but now you'll be prepared! |
Dr. Michael R. Edelstein
Clinical Psychologist, San Francisco
415-673-2848 (24 hours)
DrEdelstein@ThreeMinuteTherapy.com
www.ThreeMinuteTherapy.com